What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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