he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
