PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
one two three fourrrrnication!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
