I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
