Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
