Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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