So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
