If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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