You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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