If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
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