fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize