Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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