Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
