new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
