My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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