Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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