I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need to sanitize my soul.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
