I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
