Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
