1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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