she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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