There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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