U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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