I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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