The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
