and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
