So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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