Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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