Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
