that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
