If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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