the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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