you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
