do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
