I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
