Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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