Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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