I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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