i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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