She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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