guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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