I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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