All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
