Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
