I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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