My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
