Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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