If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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