I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
