Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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