I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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