Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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