I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
