I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
