sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
