She is in my trunk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
