Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
