Plan B is the new Plan A
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
