Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Randomize
