What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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