I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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