its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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