i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
