i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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